Depression. There I said it. Yes, as a mother I have been depressed before. It's like this big forsaken secret that weighs us all down. We cannot talk about it because to accept and voice it we would be considered "unfit". But with a sun rise doesn't a sun down eventually follow in it's wake?
Why is it not ok for a mother to also sometimes be the negative component of being human? You mean I'm supposed to be happy 24/7? But.... I'm raising a child alone... I have been given the uncanny assignment of showing a little boy how to be something I have never become... Do I not have a right to hurt from this? Can I not wallow in my doubt of ever being able to help him fully comprehend his identity?
Is it not ok for me to feel sorry for myself? I never envisioned this in my future, you know the whole superwoman taking care of the work and home. I had fairytale daydreams of being part of a family. You know, the family that I never had a chance to have. I just knew I would be able to provide that for my son. But I didn't, to do so I would've had to lose my identity as a woman. I would've succumbed to the idea his father had for a woman. Now I have to live with that overbearing weight; I broke this possibility for my son. He didn't even know how to walk yet and just that quickly the consistency his father once displayed was gone.
I woke up one day with the realization that his father wouldn't fully commit to being a father if he wasn't with me. That hurt. The idea that if I lost myself and remained unhappy I could bring back my baby's family. It weighed down my soul every time I walked around and saw father's and mother's with their child. My child could not have that, ever again. He would not be able to see his father and mother defining unity because of my choice to choose to be happy. How selfish.
"Girl you ain't shit". For a long time that is the only thing I would keep telling myself. "Sitting here having your child looking for his father because you couldn't take it anymore". I was so hell bent on reminding myself what a horrible person I was I almost forgot how to be able to exist in happiness. I thought I did the right thing, that I did it to make me happy, but instead I was so sad at the possibility that my baby might not be happy.
The sorrow doesn't end there though. Not only am I having to suck up the fact that I broke up my own damn home, reality is that I do not feel equipped to handle this task on my own. I had my baby as a "child" myself I didn't even know half the things that I was supposed to know. What type of example was I supposed to be?
I could go on and on with examples that literally drained me both physically and emotionally. Feeling like everything I was walking around with this grey cloud over my head. Reminding me that I had let my "family" down. So how again was I supposed to raise a child?
Have you ever went through this same mental war?
Trying to hold all the pieces, pain, and sadness together so baby boy thinks you've got it all figured out. It took me along time to realize that sadness, that aching hole in your chest, it's all part of the process. How could I teach him how to deal with these feelings if I was too scared to voice them out loud?
See that's the key. Beaut you have to accept that it's ok to break down and remember what you did to get out of that grey cloud && once you master that you've learned how to teach your son a valuable lesson. He cannot run from that, he cannot always expect to be the positive side of a human. He needs to confront those emotions, he needs to cry that shit out, feel the ache and work through it. Not only do we need to teach our son to understand that emotion, we need to let him know that we will ALWAYS be there to help him through it. He needs to understand that if its weighing him down he doesn't have to hide it. He better speak it out loud and reach to his mother if he feels that he can no longer carry the cloud.
You see if we can get him to master that hopeless pit of darkness than in it he will no longer drown. When he starts asking, where is daddy? Why can't daddy stay? How come "Bill" gets to go home with his mom and dad? Instead of those emotions eating him up he can understand that even though it hurts he will be ok and deal with the situations. You can help him heal from the sadness of not seeing his father everyday in the same way you healed from your own sadness. Find the positive in the situation, the rays of sunshine that illuminate the rest of your lives. Find them and help him reach for those rays as a source of comfort to pull free from that grey cloud.
But remember to do that, you got to pull yourself out of it first. Acknowledge it, accept it, and don't let it bring you down. Depression. Yeah it strikes all of us, but Beaut you have a little angel looking after you. Remind yourself that hell would have to freeze over before you allow your son to think that the grey clouds can keep weighing him down.