a.Nichole: The voice of reason you need to hear & why Therapy Thursdays should be a weekly routine
An introduction to a. Nichole
Hey mom! Nikkie is back by popular demand! Before I give you all of these gems of advice she has given, lets learn a little bit more about her. Although Nikkie received formal education she stresses that it is important to self-educate yourself as well. She believes that self-education is vital as you cannot always lean on what you read. Nikkie also thinks that a lack of self- education is the leading cause of complacency, ignorance, and weakness. As a Black woman, she over stands that information put out to the masses can be misleading and most times erroneously incorrect. So... the first step to self-education is self-reflection. Check out the interview below as Nikkie reflects on her past, present, and future.
Who is Nikkie and why did she become this way? Nikkie is a fearless, bold, against the grain, ambitious, free spirited indigo child. She is also a mother, sister, behavior scientist, brainy psychology lover, innovative entrepreneur and a firm believer of womanhood and the sisterhood. I grew up in a woman dense family. The people who shaped and molded my life the most are women: my maternal grandmother Nina and her daughter, my mother Cassandra. From a very young age I was taught to embrace my magic and the fact that I was different and to not care what other people thought of these assertions. My grandmother taught me that the women before me were not afforded the same autonomy that I had and that I better appreciate it and make them proud. My childhood taught me so much. I was a very quiet child so I was always learning a lesson and finding messages in events that many people didn’t give a second look to.
What has changed between the Nikkie from 10 years ago and today? Why are these changes so important? Nikkie at 22 yrs. old was a newly married woman with a baby on the way. She was an Army sergeant who had traveled the world and had many accolades from her tenure in the service but she did not feel fulfilled. She felt accomplished in her professional life but also felt she had abandoned her destiny in exchange. All of that changed when I gave birth to my son. When they placed him in my arms, it was like he knew what I had been going through because he looked up at me and I swear his eyes said: “I don’t know what your ass has been doing before I got here, but I’m here now and I’m going to need you to get your shit together because there is a lot you have to teach me and there’s even more I have to teach you”. So I shifted, I got my hustle for April Nichole back, and I became vigilant in creating a safe and comfortable space for my son and I. Today at 32, I am enjoying my life and I could care less about what anyone thinks of me. The GED graduate is now a Forensic Psychology PhD Candidate with three degrees hanging on her wall. Nikkie fell in love with her pen again and now has 10 years’ worth of a real journey to write about and share. She knows the power of the word NO and utilizes it as she sees fit with no apology. Nikkie now over stands that this life was given to her and only her for her to live and to not give two fawks about what anyone should say. She is no longer afraid or overwhelmed by her power and her magic.; she is fiercely protective of her peace and space. Nikkie marches to the beat of her own drum and even creates the sheet music for that drum to play. She is enterprising, innovative, and now embraces the opportunity to fulfill the destinies of her ancestors whose dreams were deferred. She also sees it as an empowering honor. Nikkie continues to strive to make her son proud and fulfill that conversation our eyes shared in Labor and Delivery Room 4 at 2:39pm on June 2nd, 2007. Finally, Nikkie realizes that not all who wander are lost.
Do you feel that women lose themselves in their partners? i.e. character changes with each man they date, act more like their man, etc. Why? I do and the reasons can range from a plethora of things such as women repeating what they saw their own mothers and their mothers do. These women see it as a rite of passage that is necessary. Sometimes women feel as though loosening their grasp on their own power is a selfless act to enrich the lives of their significant others. Some women fear losing a man and feel that a piece of a man is better than no man at all. Some women have not yet gained comprehension of their magic so they don’t understand the value of what they are releasing. Some women don’t realize that a real man won’t allow them to release their power and leave their destinies unfulfilled. Some women don’t even know that they have lost themselves because they are so far gone.
How can women identify more with themselves? I think women need to realize just who they are and the insurmountable value that they possess. When you value something, you aren’t so quick to let it out of your sight or disregard it without a second thought. A huge tragedy to me is when women go to their graves without ever realizing who they are and what they like. The first thing that I ask a client is: “Who are you? Tell me about you.” Almost always, I get a robotic response that is inclusive of a birth place, where they went to school, and maybe even a nationality. Women need to realize that they have the licensure to find their inner woman and enjoy her. I understand that society discourages this and women are typically told who they are before they are even able to search within for their own answers. To combat this, I suggest spending time with self. I suggest cutting yourself open and digging deep. I also suggest listening to that inner voice that has always told you what it likes, dislikes, and craves. The answers are there, you just need to be still to listen to them.
Since you started “Therapy Thursday” from comments and your growing following on social media you have received a lot of positive feedback from women. Is it sometimes easier for women to take advice from others rather than themselves? Is this a good or bad thing? I definitely think women can relate to the issues that I address. I think that hearing it from another woman supplies them with the freedom of not only knowing that they are not alone but their feelings are valid. I also think that my unapologetic delivery empowers and opens them up to receive the message. I am also always pleased when I see women in my comments empowering each other and adding to my post by offering words of encouragement. There are some stubborn readers who seem to buy into misogynistic views and they try to sway other women against autonomy but I always try to bring that mirror up to their faces and call them out on it in a non-confrontational way…unless we have to take it there.
What was the motivation for “therapy Thursday” and where do you see yourself going with it?One day (Thursday of course) a few years ago, I just put out a rash of self-help posts on IG with my commentary. During that time, I was in a relationship that I knew I needed to terminate so many of the posts were just notes to myself to help me transition back into single life and give him curbside assistance. Others were notes that I wrote to my younger self. However, all caught on and people loved it. I named it Therapy Thursday because it was just as much therapeutic for me as it was for my readers. Then it just grew. I did it again the next Thursday and the Thursday after….and so on. Today, a lot of my therapy Thursday posts are regurgitations of what I say to my clients as they come in to see me with their various issues. Others are things that I see on social media or out in the world that I want to speak on. Then others are still notes to my younger self and future daughter. The bulk of my posts are for my sisters as I am very big on the Sisterhood and I just want my sisters to heal.
Why do you feel women may hang on to a bad situation longer than they should? Any advice on letting go or the healing process? Sometimes after dealing with fawkery after fawkery, the mind begins to shift the perspective of an individual. This is when familiarity turns into a comfort zone. Many times women know that they are in a toxic relationship but they are so familiar with it that it brings them comfort. I also think that a lot of women have a “Wonder Woman” complex where they wrongly believe that they can “fix” their significant others. Also the fear of releasing and going into a world of unknown is real. Some women will take a familiar pain over a foreign freedom and cannot connect the dot to how that is insanity. Lastly, children are sometimes the weak adhesive that keeps women in bad relationships as they do not want to be viewed as the antagonistic monster that “broke up” a family that was already broken to begin with. I think that the remedy to this is knowing your worth and what you deserve instead of trying t gauge what you can bear. These are two different entities. Women should realize that just because you can bear it, it doesn’t mean that you should accept it. Moreover, just because you can bear it, it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve more. Lastly, I think that some women feel that a healthy and happy relationship is only something you read about in books or Tyler Perry movies and this is so far from the truth.
Check back next week for more candid "therapy Thursday" questions!also, follow nikkie on social media via @NIKKIESTHOUGHTS and visit her website blacksauce to check out tons of self-love items she offers. She is also starting her own blog and in the process of releasing two books so CLIck here and stay up to date with her ventures.