You, your standards for yourself, and your standards in a relationship. Are they valid or are you a fool?

You, your standards for yourself, and your standards in a relationship. Are they valid or are you a fool?

Therapy Thursdays: a taste of the advice and energy you will receive when checking in for a session with Nikkie 

Hey guys! I've been receiving a lot of positive feedback from the featured Nikkie segments. So she's given us the scope on the importance of mental health, who she is and how she has evolved, and now she's topping it all off with girl talk. If you haven't already make sure you follow her on social media @nikkiesthoughts where each and every Thursday shes dropping knowledge about women and our self worth. Check out some exclusive "Therapy Thursday" Q&A's she had with us below: 

  1. Is it necessary to set standards in relationships? Absolutely! If you don’t, how do you expect to be treated properly. Too many times, people foolishly think that people should know how to treat them or are mind readers. A lack of communication leads to a lack of uniformity and protection of livelihoods. If you don’t advocate for yourself and let it be known what you will stand for and won’t stand for, a person will only give you what they feel you should have or what they are the most comfortable with providing. If this happens, you cannot blame anyone but yourself because you did not provide the blueprint for what you warrant and what your wont entertain
  2. A lot of women get bashed for their standards being “too high” … is there such a thing? No there isn’t and men know this. It’s psychological blackmail to tell a woman that how SHE wants to be treated and valued is incorrect. Typically, this is done by men who know that they cannot furnish what she is asking for but also understands that another man will give it to her and cannot fathom letting her go.  It always amazes me how people try to dictate and govern how another person wishes to be treated. I honestly think that there is someone for everyone and perhaps what one person thinks is a ridiculous demand, another will do it happily. However, I will say that there are some isolated instances where some women have lofty standards but they themselves do not measure up to that same standard. I agree that this is heinous and a bit comical as you should be able to meet the standard that you set in order to foster reciprocity because I’ll be the first to tell you that when you have lofty standards, some men want you to be a woman of loftier standards and I think that there is nothing wrong with that exchange.
  3. What is your view on women that have certain expectations from men that they do not hold themselves, i.e. wealthy, have a car, own a home, etc.? I think it’s a bit juvenile and silly. How are you going to demand something from a man to provide for you that you can’t even provide yourself? You’re not a child and a man is not obligated to give you anything. This is regardless of how pretty you are and how well you are built as beautifully and curvy women are made every day and not only this but beautiful and curvy women are also out here slaying and catching the eyes of the men you want yet see that you bring nothing to the table but an appetite. My mother always says that water seeks its own level when released to freedom so typically men who live loftier lifestyles want mates who match them to ensure compatibility and avoid being taken for a ride.  I am 32 years old, educated, a home owner, business owner and on my way to having a PhD. I would like my significant other to be also somewhere along those lines and I feel like I have the licensure to warrant that because I provide that. In that same vein, I cannot entertain men who aren’t somewhere along the lines of me or at least have that goal or hustle because it’s going to eventually bring me down and kill my spirit. We wouldn’t speak the same language and he might even begin to resent a lot of things that wouldn’t even be a thought if he was along the same lines as me. I have tried to date men who weren’t as “successful” as me and it always ended horribly because they always began to feel insecure and needed constant reinforcement.
  4. Is there such a thing as an Alpha male. Can there be an Alpha male and female? Why or why not? I believe that both exist. You cannot have one without the other. I’ve been identified as an alpha female many times but I just feel as though I am an ambitious woman who knows herself and what she is worth.  However, many people use the Alpha male and female complex to blanket their propensity to be assholes and unnecessarily ferocious and rough against others. In circumstances like this, that is only ego. 
  5. Do you feel that some men are put off by women who are independent, ambitious, etc. why? Of course they are. Sometimes these women serve as looking glasses to men that display their complacency, lack of drive, or position of not being where they want to be. This does not apply to every man of course, but the men who may be struggling with where they are and who they are could have an issue with a woman who is enterprising and successful. If you add his subscription to societal gender roles, that’s adding even more fuel to the fire as some men feel that they have to be over their woman and not under. Independent women typically don’t have time for foolishness and are assertive which can put men off especially men who are used to playing games with women. These men now have the challenge of stepping to her correctly and staying consistent which may be foreign land to them. This can also be frightening as not only are they chartering foreign waters, they also know that the type of men who are most compatible with these women are the men they typically are not. Moreover, typically in these types of relationships, I see the independent woman having to jump through hoops to show she is genuinely interested and has only eyes for him. Women have to combat the insecurities of their mates because he doesn’t know how to maneuver through his own insecurities so he dumps them on her. The men are typically controlling and callous as they are in their own power struggle to gain control over the woman in their own mind.
  6. Any advice to women who feel that they have to “dumb down” or settle for a man? In short: DON’T. You are doing yourself the most injustice because you are stifling yourself for a man who is ok with you not living up to your potential for his own livelihood. Also, why settle if you know you are worth more? It might seem ok to do so now but in the future you will begin losing yourself and your power as a result of not being able to exercise the muscle of your power. Then when it’s too late, you’ll look up to regret, animosity, and dreams deferred and you won’t be able to blame anyone but yourself. It’s a slow suicide that you don’t have to engage in. Be patient and the right man will come. I have a saying that I say: “I’m a full feast of a woman and I refuse to settle for a pie slice of a man”. Apply it.
  7. Are there certain expectations a woman should or shouldn’t have when dating, marrying, etc. a man that is not the father of their child? I think that when women date they should erase that timeline in the back of their head and they should also stop being slaves to their biological clock. Dating is something that should be an organic process, one that doesn’t come with a script or checklist. With this being said, women need to relax and allow the universe to guide her sights. Also, women need to listen to their intuition. I don’t care how fine he is, if your gut is waving red flags in your face: back up and retreat. Women should also stop comparing their lives to others or worse: tv. It sounds silly but more women do it than people think. Dating is reality and all reality isn’t pretty. Sometimes you’ll strike out left and right and some days you’ll hit pay dirt. Another thing is to dump what society says a woman should do and go by your own wavelength.  Also, stop bringing men around your kids until you are at a comfortable point. I don’t care what Steve Harvey says. You should look at your children like royalty of your court. You only bring the most worthy individuals to share their presence and only after you deem them eligible to share your child’s space and children’s energies are so precious and shouldn’t be spread around. When it comes to engagements, do not become engaged with a man who cannot set a date because in essence he is just trying to shut you up and shut down marriage talk. My mother always says that you are not engaged if you do not have a wedding date planned or worse: a ring. That’s what an engagement is about. I am sick and tired of seeing people engaged for five and six years and have had just about as many kids in the interim but are no closer to the aisle. Don’t let a man pacify you with bullshit. If he wants to marry you, let him propose, and help you PLAN the UPCOMING nuptials. Also, when dating with children women must learn to balance their need to look for a worthy mate and a worthy surrogate for their children.  These are not one in the same and are two different beasts. One should not outweigh the other. I don’t care how good of a relationship your child has with his or her birth father. They still will have interactions with your child so that echelon matters. Be careful who you bring around your children and the energy you are exposing them to. You hold your children’s innocence in your hands. Don’t fumble it behind a man who means none of you any good. Lastly, for marriage, people need to know that it is work: HARD WORK. Don’t let this TV shit fool you. You have to work on it every day and in essence, you are merging two worlds together to become one and this can be a journey. Take it seriously and keep people the fawk out of your union!
  8. When people think of Dr. Nikkie what impression do you want them to have? What message do you want them to take away? That I’m genuine. That I give a fawk. That I’m human. I didn’t get my advice from watching TV. I’ve lived a lot in my 32 years. I’ve made it through stuff that would kill the next person but I am here. I also want people to know that I walk in my words and power. This isn’t social media for me. What I share is real and the advice I give; I want you to take it and raise your vibrations. I want people to know that I am multifaceted: I am sexual, intellectual, humorous, strong, vulnerable, empathetic, empowering, and human. The message that I would want for them to take away is the importance of autonomy and living life by your their own accord. I cannot stress freedom enough when it comes to life. The life was given to you to live. YOU. So who else better to live it truthfully, wholly, freely, and holistically than….you?

Loved the advice? Make sure to stay tuned for the release of her books and launch of her Black Sauce Podcast via social media and/or websites. CLICK HERE and HEREtoo!

"I feel that there is nothing like the freedom in thinking for yourself and deciphering knowledge on your own merit as opposed to simply regurgitating what someone has told you or what popular opinion asserts. Self education cures a robotic existence and gives you the tools you need to debunk false information and misleading sources."         -a.Nichole
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